Arriving At Destination!

I have always found it difficult to ask for what I want, but nowhere am I more inarticulate and reticent than in the bedroom. Getting any useful information out of me has confounded some of the greatest minds. Like so many women, I expect my man to be intuitive, clairvoyant, and possibly even saintly.

I can tell my employer to “sack up” to his face, and I can birth a baby with other people in the room, but when it comes to asking for, um, you know, I am at a loss for words.

Recently, My Royal Consort and I took a three and a half month road trip across the country. We relied heavily on our Garmin GPS, which we affectionately dubbed “Betty”.

Betty took the ambivalence and confusion out of our travels. With Betty we knew what we were supposed to do and when to do it. We knew how long our journey would take and when we would arrive at our destination. Betty was masterful and concise in her direction, and without her, we would have been anxious and lost as we muddled our way from sea to shining sea.

If you think of a reticent woman such as myself as the road, and her gentleman partner as a traveler, would it not make sense for the couple to have a GPS in the bedroom to prevent wrong turns? With just a few minor modifications, I think that the GPS could easily be rebranded and marketed as the BPS (Bedroom Positioning System).

Geographically speaking, it is a fact that most women have a more difficulty with navigation then men do. Whereas men are born with an internal compass, women are known to navigate by landmark. Because of a woman’s reliance on the visual, she is rarely lost in the bedroom, whereas men often are due to their reluctance to ask for directions. The concise and emotionally neutral tone of the BPS could only help to bridge the gap between a woman’s hesitation to give direction, and a man’s inability to ask for direction.

Obviously the voice that comes standard on the Garmin GPS would have to be tweaked before it was repurposed in the BPS. Betty’s voice is quite imperious, and as drivers we tend to misconstrue her suggestions as commands. Of course, like the GPS, the BPS would have several built in voices available to choose from, but for the default voices, I am thinking along the lines of Norah Jones or Bill Clinton. With their formidable oratory skills, “please drive to highlighted route!” would take on a completely different tenor, and the bedroom traveler could confidently shift from neutral into overdrive faster than you can say “Burma-shave.”

Being a straight woman, I could get by without having to download any custom voices, but for those who prefer greater variety, voice-over talent abounds. Morgan Freeman, Tom Waits, Darth Vader, Dr. Ruth, Barbara Walters and Sarah Palin are all available on the BPS website.

Despite the confidence that comes with having your destination mapped out by the GPS, it is still very easy to take a wrong turn. I know that there were times in our travels when for whatever reason we would turn right when Betty had clearly told us go left, and in these instances, she was very insistent that we get back on track as quickly and efficiently as possible so as not to end up in a dead end or a dangerous neighborhood.

A couple equipped with a BPS could side step these fruitless and frustrating side trips as well. Of course, Betty’s exasperated “Recalculating!” would have to be retired and replaced by something more encouraging and less abrupt like “Reconsidering”.

There are those times when you stray so far off course that the GPS can only suggest that you make a U-turn at the next available opportunity. Having to make a U-turn and double back is a rare occurrence when being guided by Betty, but it does happen on occasion. With the BPS, a directionally impaired traveler who routinely heads north when he should be headed south can feel more confident.

Some of the trickiest obstacles we encountered on our trip out west were the exits off the roundabouts. Our GPS was very clear about where the roundabouts were and how we should get off. Using the same satellite technology as the GPS, the BPS could assist the driver when he was round about where he should be, but not quite there.

Speed and ETA naturally go hand in hand. Rate of speed is one of the many factors taken into account when calculating when you will arrive at your destination, however, excessive speed will not get you there any faster than simply obeying the speed limit. Not surprisingly, driving too slowly can negatively impact ETA as well.

ETA might not seem critically important at the outset, but there are times when one traveler is very anxious to arrive at the destination and the other is more interested in the journey. When the driver is traveling in the fast lane when he should be in the slow lane, the BPS, like the GPS, will display the MPH.

One of the great features of the GPS that could be easily incorporated into the BPS, is the ability to find alternate routes in the event of an unforeseen detour or road block. And for the traveler who prefers a more nuanced journey, the BPS, like the GPS, can also be pre-programmed to take you off the super highway and onto the road less travelled. In these instances the upbeat verbal affirmation “arriving at destination!” is very encouraging as the end of your journey draws near.

If you choose to cross a desert without adequately preparing for the journey, a GPS cannot help you. But unlike the GPS, the BPS, due to its fairly limited geographical range, can be programmed to advise you of certain common hazards and remind you to take precautionary measures. Unfortunately though, just as the GPS cannot stop you from driving off a cliff, the BPS can do nothing about the bloviating douche bag you drunkenly invited into your bed.

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