Conquering The Final Frontier

As hilarious as the spectacle of me frantically excavating my boots from under the bed in a peristaltic frenzy was, the time had come to stop the madness.

Chiefly Paranoid, The Olde Creeper and The Petro-Erectors

I watched our septuagenarian companion make a fascinating transformation from a somewhat insufferable, falsely modest, Birkenstock-shod spiritualist, into a slobbering bird-dog.

What Are You Going To Feed Jack?

Throw the dirty dishes into a bucket, put the bucket under the bed and be grateful you don’t have to eat at Applebee’s.

One Week On Mars

For a moment after entering the store, I had a thought that I might have taken myself out of my comfort zone by having had wine. I felt a teeny, tiny bit paranoid, but then had a look around and quickly realized that there was nothing I could possibly do to make myself look any weirder than anyone else.

The Blessed Season of Chemical Pie

Chemical pies make great lipstick. Get a flirty look with cherry pie, or go goth with blueberry.

Story Like You Mean It

Like a secret lover, the Bow Tied Bandit sent me subtle signals throughout the morning, designed to let me know that he was thinking of me and was fully cognizant of my staggering intellect.

Mrs. Banas and Ms. Moonie

Being an excellent student of literature, I can’t imagine why Mrs. Banas’s unfortunate sounding surname didn’t inspire more caution in me.

My Dan Savage Moment

On the evening of my disgrace, I had not had more than one glass of wine, so I cannot claim that the hand that touched the keyboard was the Devil’s right hand.

FUP Scale of Western American Plants and Wildlife

When I make my pronouncement about a plant/animal/insect/precipice, it is with the same sort of admiring and respectful tone that a teenaged boy might use to describe the properties of over-proof liquor.

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